Getting Use To Your New Skin…

                Over the last 4 years I’ve become hyper aware of people’s faces.  I notice when people have crooked smiles, or when someone’s eye doesn’t open all the way.  I’m usually too chicken to ask if they had Bell’s Palsy for fear of offending them if they really suffer from something else. 

                I’ve been asked by many people, often, in less than tactful ways, “What’s wrong with your face?”  When a child asks, it’s easy to say that part of my face stopped working and now I have a crooked smile.  Kids accept it and move on.  Adults on the other hand, always have something to say- Can’t they fix it?  ..I just thought you were born that way.  They know someone who knows someone and they got better, so I will too.  I try to remain patient when talking with people about Bell’s Palsy and take it for what it is so I don’t get offended. 

                It was really hard being around people the first month, when my smile didn’t work and my eye was in Crazy mode.  My eye twitched and teared, even though I wasn’t crying.  I mean I did cry a lot, especially when I looked in the mirror.  It’s not like I’m a beauty queen or anything, but looking in the mirror and seeing a whole new me, was scary.  No one wants to look in the mirror and think, Who the *$#@&% (insert word of choice) is that?  I use to avoid smiling all together.  Then I started covering my mouth when I laughed because I knew my mouth looked funny and anytime I smile it pulls my eye into a squint.  Getting used to the new me was going to take some time…

                My face pain eased up and I got about 70-80% of my motor function back.  When I smile with my mouth closed, you probably wouldn’t notice my droop.  When I smile with my teeth showing my smile is crooked and my left eye is squinty.  I’m lucky to have received that much nerve control back.  I’ve met people with Bell’s that never regained any nerve function, although this is very rare.  I’ve also met those who recovered completely within 1 day to 4 weeks.   No matter what stage you’re at you need to find gratitude because there is always someone worse off than you.  Count your blessings and be happy that you still have your arms, your legs, your eye sight, your sense of smell and touch.  I would much rather suffer with this affliction, than have to go through something else. 

                When I’m stressed, tired or just plain worn out, my face droops more.  I only have a very few people acknowledge when my face looks more tired than usual.  I appreciate their concern and that they can recognize how I’m feeling by how my droop looks.  Most people just tell me they don’t even notice the Bell’s at all.  I think they feel uncomfortable and don’t want to offend me.  Maybe they really don’t notice and I’m just too sensitive about it. 

                The first year or two I hated having my picture taken.  I felt like I had to smile even though I looked “special.”  Now I find that when I have my picture taken, I always stand on the right side of the group and angle my body so that the good side of my face is closer to the camera.  This makes it so I end up with a lot more good pictures and often you can’t tell that my face is broken. 

                Awhile after the Bell’s, I got a divorce and realized my fears.  I would have to date, again!  I didn’t feel pretty.  I didn’t know how men would react to my face.  It was scary thinking that I would have to explain what happened and I wasn’t sure if I would be accepted or worse, loved.  I worked on the way I viewed myself first.  I got a haircut with angled bangs that hung over my left eye just a touch.  It hid my squint a bit and made me feel sexy.  Then I paid more attention to details; matching my clothes, wearing jewelry, doing my nails, wearing heels.  There’s a hidden magic when a woman wears heels.  It instantly adds confidence.  I’m not sure why, but that’s a thought for another day. 

                I thought and prayed a lot about who I am and what I believe.  I don’t know what lies ahead for me in my life, but I know who I am, what I believe and my trials have given me compassion for others and their struggles.  If you’re anything like me and feel insecure in your new skin.  You’re not alone.  Love your skin, take care of your body.  Don’t give up on it.  Tomorrow is a new day, you never know what might happen. 

                In-case you were wondering, I did get re-married.  Dating was scary but it didn’t last very long.  Actually, love took me by surprise.  He loves me for the person I am and tells me I’m beautiful all the time.  And most of the time, I believe him :) 

If you would like to share your story, email it to me and I’ll post it!  Send it to- JenaeSleight@gmail.com